As many of you will know, this weekend is my big birthday weekend, as Tim turned 27 on Saturday and my sister turned 26 yesterday. It was hard to be away from Sandy and to not be there to celebrate with her, but hopefully we can do a bit of that when we are in Melbourne next week. Tim's birthday was a lovely day, we had some people from College round, I cooked lots of things that Tim liked, and we ended the night with ice-cream cake and the "hat" game (it appears to be the Sydney version of the name game).
I normally find Tim's birthday a bit stressful, really wanting to make it fun for him, but knowing I'm not always perfect at orchestrating the process. But praise God, my prayers were answered and Tim had a wonderful day. And a big part of this was to do with love languages.
If you've been hiding under a rock (that is no where near Koorong!) you may not have heard about the concept of love languages. It was a concept I'd heard of in the past and dismissed as one of those psudo-psychological fads that got wrapped up with a few out-of-context Bible verses, that really you could take and leave. But I have to say, I've found that book one of the most helpful for my marriage.
The books idea is that everyone has slightly different ways of expressing their love and things which make them feel loved, and they generally fit into 5 categories: Acts of Service (doing nice things), Gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and my personal favourite- Quality time.
The first half of the first year Tim and I worked for RMIT CU was a really tough time for me. As well as getting used to a new and emotional job, I also had to get used to a new Tim. Tim, under the pressure of so much people time, spent alot more time on his own. This to me felt like a rejection and I began to wonder things like "Am I just really boring company? Is he sick of me? Do I need to be more entertaining? Are we past the best stage in our marriage and now onto some mundain, putting-up-with-each-other stage?"
But half way through the year I finally bought the love languages book, and it helped me so much. I began to realise that as quality time was my love language, I assumed that Tim wanting Tim alone was all about me. It wasn't. Tim needed space, not because he didn't love being with me, but because he was an introvert who needed some time alone. But I also realised that I had to be really clear with what I needed. Tim could have his space, but I also needed time together- and not time hanging out with students together, or time watching TV together but actually time, talking, sharing, face-to-face. And what a difference it's made to us working that out!
Which brings us back to Saturday. Tim's love language is Gifts. He loves presents. He loves his birthday. So I feel a great deal of pressure to please him. This year he wanted a new pair of shoes, which we finally decided on, on Sunday. But what to give him on the day!
I decided to make a treat luckie dip. Each hour for about 8 hours of the day, Tim could draw one small present (chocolates, a big M, some socks he'd been wanting to get etc) out of his treat luckie dip. Tim just loved it, it wasn't complicated or expessive, but it was very him. And that, coupled with the fact that I was doing lots of "Acts of service" in preparation for company, which he also loved, meant he had a really lovely day.
Tim and I quite enjoy talking to other couples about their love languages and how they go about loving each other well. Our friend Matt from College came up to us and said that he's just discovered a sixth love language. Farting. But he said it didn't seem to be his wife Ros's language because she didn't seem to feel loved when he farted for her ;)
I'm so glad that's not Tim's love language!
1 comment:
oooh love languages! this was one of the most helpful books I ever read. I read it in the first year that Mark and I were together and it totally opened both our eyes! I am a quality time person and Mark was extremely busy at uni and isn't great on the phone, realising that i was quality time really helped us both and Mark is now so wonderful at calling me up during the day just to see how I am going. That's a really small example of the huge impact this book had on our relationship! Learning his 'languages' also made a huge difference- I think ultimately it helped us learn to communicate before we got married which has made married life Awesome ! (that would be aforementioned huge impact Have you read the languages of apology book? A bit repetitive but worth a look just to get the gist of the different languages. Also something we (particularly me, as Mark is much better at apologising than I am) have found really helfpul! Oooh I could talk about this for ages I think the concept is sooo helpful but I won't. Good on you for making the effort & for putting into practice that which you know meant a lot to Tim! Also, hang in there with the interstate thing - it does get easier and being at college will be a huge blessing and help with making friends. I think it would have happened much more quickly for me if I had had the opportunity to see the people I was meeting more than once a week!
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