'Fraidie-Cat

Most of the time, when people talk to me about money, about how we survive- I give a glib answer about how it's not so bad, and how God has provided.

But I think I give an impression that I am someone who is incredibly trustful of God to provide for me everything I need.

That's not true. I'm a stressor, and I am a particular stressor about money. It is true that God has provided, he has done amazing, amazing things to look after us, such as finding us great places to live, providing generous supporters at various times in our ministry training, and he unexpectedly handed me my job when I was least expecting it.

But there are times when I just don't trust him at all.

One of those times was Saturday night.

That day, when Tim was away at a men's convention, I had opened up our latest credit card bill. I don't know why it didn't hit me then, maybe because it was a beautiful day and I was happy and content, and not overtired and grumpy and stressed about the ministry day ahead.

But that night- the flood gates opened.

You see the credit card bill was (almost) exactly equal to the amount in our savings account. As I told Tim about the amount- I began to cry.

I began to cry because for the first time since we'd gotten married- we weren't going to have any savings. Savings for me were such a safety net. Oh well, I would say, even if x or y happens, at least we have savings.

Tim and I talked and talked and talked about it. He tried to comfort me, he tried to remind me of God's goodness to us. He tried to talk about how it would all be okay, that God would provide as he always did. He said, as he always says, that if I can't handle it we don't have to do this- he can go back to town-planning for a few years, or even forever.

And through out our conversation I kept interrupting him to yell at God, to say, I just can't take it anymore Father, why does everything have to be so hard!

The next day Tim was unexpectedly given his check for his student minister position at church. It will clear before the credit card bill comes out- meaning that my fear of having no savings will not eventuate- we will have more savings at the end of next week than we did at the start of this week.

I think sometimes when you are a women preparing to be a ministry wife- people look up to you and go "Wow, I could never do that". They think of the things that I am giving up- perhaps owning a big house, or even ever owning a house, the financial security, knowing where we will be living and having a choice in the matter. They think I must be really brave and really strong in my faith.

I'm not brave, I'm one of the biggest fraidie-cats I know. And there are times when my faith is as small as a mustard seed.

But I have a great God who somehow in his grace and goodness- provides for me anyway.
love B