A week of tears

This week is the week of the due date for our baby that never got to be due.

It is such a hard, messy, sad, horrible week.  It is a week of remembering.  It is a week of tears.  It is a week of love that is still there even after our baby is gone from this earth.  Love that will probably always be there.

It is a week of asking Why? Why? Why?  Of imagining a life that is so different to what is actually here.

And it's a week of realising just how empty a pair of arms can feel.
love B

Symbolic act

Today, I plan to put on my contact lenses.  I haven't warn them since my brother-in-laws wedding in January.

It might seem like a simple thing.  I have put contact lenses in many times.  It is nothing exciting or special in and of itself.

But it is a big step for me.

You see, when I cry I have to take them out.  Not just normal crying- I do that everyday, sometimes sad, often happy.  Tears are just part of the hyper-emotional person I am!  But when I cry and I cry I can't stop, and my nose runs and my eyes go red, my eye-lids can get infected if I keep the contacts in too long. For too many days of that kind of crying.

Over the summer I couldn't wear my contacts (except for the wedding) because I was crying too much.  I was just so sad. 

It's not that I'm still not sad about our little baby.  I am.  I can't stop thinking about him.  But I'm no longer falling apart all the time.  I'm even sometimes a little bit happy when I think about him and our short time together.

It seems like a big step to put them in.  To make a conscious decision to pull myself together.

But I think I'm ready.
love B

A helpful Quote

One thing I did not expect in my experience of the miscarriage was how much it would affect my self-esteem and particularly my work. I am just so much more fragile and particularly so much more filled with worry about my own capabilities.

I found this quote from "The Reason for God" (a book I really should get around to reading!) and it really helped me put 'myself' into perspective.

"The Christian Gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less."
Tim Keller.

Love B